It’s Not What You Say, But How You Make Them Feel: A Parent’s Reflection

“Kids don’t make us Yell. They reveal to us where we have room to grow, where we have wounds to heal, and where we still have unresolved trauma from our own childhood.” – Shelly Robinson

Sometimes, it’s not just the words people use but how they make you feel that truly defines your relationship with them. As parents, we may use all the right language and parenting jargon, but if our warmth and body language don’t match our words, we risk sending mixed messages. If we assume our child isn’t picking up on these cues, we may be overlooking the depth of their emotional range. Just as we have evolved, so too have the emotional intelligence and sensitivities of our children.

We all carry emotional wounds from our own childhoods—pains that are valid and very real. As parents, the best we can do is try not to repeat the mistakes of those who came before us. While it’s inevitable that we may cause unintentional hurt along the way, we can strive to be more conscious of our actions. No one has a perfect manual for raising a happy child, and there are countless factors influencing each situation. Ultimately, we do the best we can with the knowledge and tools we have at any given time.

Key Principles for Nurturing Parenting

Parenthood is an ever-evolving journey, and while there’s no one-size-fits-all manual, there are certain guiding principles that can help us nurture our children in the best possible way. Here are some key points that can facilitate this rewarding, yet challenging, path.

Emotional Regulation
Children learn through observation. They watch how we handle stress, disappointment, and joy. As parents, we must model emotional regulation by acknowledging and managing our own feelings in a healthy way. When we acknowledge our own emotions, we show them it’s okay to feel—and that expressing emotions constructively is a valuable skill.

Empathy and Understanding
Active listening is at the heart of empathy. By validating our children’s feelings, we build trust. A simple “I understand how you feel” can strengthen the bond between parent and child, fostering open communication and emotional security.

Consistent Boundaries
In today’s overstimulated world, where distractions are everywhere, consistent boundaries are essential. Setting clear, firm boundaries provides children with structure and guidance, helping them feel secure. Consistency fosters a sense of stability and predictability, which is crucial for their emotional and mental development.

Respect for Individuality
Each child is a unique individual with their own interests, strengths, and limitations. As parents, our role is to honor and respect their individuality, allowing them the freedom to pursue their own paths. Avoiding unrealistic expectations and nurturing their talents encourages them to develop a strong sense of self.

Teaching Problem-Solving
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to think critically and solve problems independently. By guiding them through challenges rather than solving every issue for them, we equip them to face life’s obstacles with confidence and resourcefulness.

Effective Communication
Open, honest, judgment-free communication is essential to fostering a healthy parent-child relationship. As children grow, especially into their teenage years, the ability to communicate effectively becomes even more critical. Parents often find themselves disconnected from their teens’ lives, unaware of what’s happening emotionally. Building a foundation of honest dialogue from an early age helps prevent these barriers.

Unconditional Love
Above all, children need to know they are loved and valued, no matter what. Children need to know they are valued not for what they achieve but for who they are. Showing them love, regardless of their successes or failures, creates a sense of belonging and security that lasts a lifetime.

There is a beautiful philosophy that reminds us our children are not ours to possess; we are merely caretakers appointed by a higher power. As parents, we do our best with the knowledge and resources we have, striving to raise emotionally healthy, happy children. It’s important to remember that while we may not be perfect, we are doing our best, and that’s enough.

So, to all the parents out there: you are doing an incredible job. Let’s remember to enjoy this fleeting time and celebrate the journey of parenthood, rather than being weighed down by the pressures of perfection.

-Sugandha Dutt is a psychologist, counselor, therapist, graphotherapist and handwriting expert.