Empty Nest Syndrome

Susan Smith was exhausted after a long and hectic day. She had just returned from leaving her daughter at the hostel. On reaching home she expected a quiet and relaxing weekend for herself. Little did she know that in less than 48 hours the calmness and quietness of the house would start to bug her. With time the pain became intolerable and Susan started having panic attacks. Her way to recovery was a long and hard one.

Somewhere on the other side of this planet, after Radhika Kumar sent off her son for better job opportunities on another continent, her heart sank. However hard she tried to be happy for her child, the emptiness of the house hit her hard.

The homes that were once full of laughter and noise suddenly fell silent and empty. This emptiness of homes leads to the emptiness of hearts. It is devastating for parents.

This feeling of emptiness, loss, and sadness is typically known as Empty Nest Syndrome. It is a global phenomenon. Most families go through it at some point in their lives. This is not a psychiatric disorder. It is just a feeling of loss. But it has the capacity to destroy lives both for the parents and children.

Let us discuss in detail why it happens, who is more prone to it, and what we can do to prepare ourselves for it.

With the birth of a child, a mother is born. Throughout the years of nurturing and care, a mother’s whole life revolves around her kids. This role changes as the kid steps into adulthood and leaves the house to find a path of their own. This change hits the parents badly.

Suddenly, mothers feel the loss of motherhood. Their whole life comes to a standstill. They find their identity at stake. For the past so many years, parents have been the sole carers and problem solvers for their kids. Now with this role gone, the purpose of their existence becomes doubtful. It hits all parents, but some cruise through this phase smoothly while others find it extremely difficult. Stay-at-home moms and single parents are the most hard-hit ones. Depression, anxiety attacks, and suicidal tendencies can enter lives and play havoc. Proper and timely support must be provided to such people.

But does it have to be this way? No, absolutely not. Children leaving home have nothing to do with the loss of motherhood. A mother is always a mother. As kids transition into adulthood, mothers also need to transition in their approach to motherhood.

Firstly, parents feel a loss of control over their children’s lives. They definitely mean well, but it’s important for kids to have their own experiences and make poor choices. It is tough, but they need to accept kids as adults. Adult kids will make decisions that parents may or may not agree with. But they still need their parents to feel loved.

Accepting does not mean agreeing. Parents might not agree with kids’ decisions or choices, but they have to respect and accept them. When the kids come back, they are not going to need parents in the same way as before. They will come back as different people, so parents might as well change their approach.

It is important to let go of expectations and opinions. Kids might pull away if parents provide advice on everything, telling them what to do all the time. So, it’s important to close the chapter and embrace wholeheartedly what lies ahead.

Secondly, mothers should not feel that their only worth comes from being a parent. Self-doubt is the biggest enemy in this journey. The new phase of life is unpredictable, so they may have some apprehension about themselves like, “I am not good enough!”, “What will I do now?”, “What could I have done better?”, etc. Parenting does not come with a manual. Every parent does their best with the limited knowledge they have at that time. So please don’t judge yourself harshly. Let go of self-doubt.

Sometimes, empty nest syndrome is accompanied by menopause, career struggles, marital problems, and other health issues. Mothers get overwhelmed by the sheer enormity. There’s a huge range of emotions from joy, relief, pride, and grief to a lack of purpose and depression.

The best way to overcome this feeling is journaling. Make a list of what you need to hold on to and what you need to let go of. In your list of let-go things, add: let go of your guilt, opinions, child’s problems, your expectations, what people will think, and unrealistic expectations of yourself.

Let go of grief. This leads to depression. If you think that life is not worth living or want to harm yourself, get professional help. This will help you get to the other side smoothly.

Hold on to all the positives. Write down all the things that you did right as a parent. It is time to change one’s attitude. Parents need to reinvent their relationship with their kids. Now their role shifts from being a caregiver to a coach and a mentor. It is the parent’s responsibility to make this transition for kids smoothly and to equip them with all the tools that they will require on their journey ahead. It is important to detach with love.

Thirdly, it’s time to decide what life will look like from now on. It is now time for parents to relinquish their old description for a new one. So, if you’re a stay-at-home mother, start working again. Cultivate new hobbies, join groups with like-minded people, have new friends, get in touch with old friends, and join clubs. The purpose now is to explore new things and find out what you like most. Imagine your ideal life and live one.

Fourthly, some parents stick together just for the sake of their kids. In this process, they lose their relationship, stop communicating with each other, and get into bad habits. Now is the time to re-evaluate and re-program their relationship. Now is the time to enjoy your marriage. Spend quality time together and rekindle the romance.

The divorce rate in the 50+ age group couples is increasing at an alarming rate. Parents feel that since their role as a parent is over, there’s no need to stay together. But it’s wise to lean into your marriage and try to make it work.

Couples need grit, determination, and commitment to make things work. 80% of people were more than happy after counseling and therapy, and many divorced couples regretted their decision later. Lots of people who thrive in empty nests are the ones that rekindle their romance.

Lastly, it is important to take small steps in the right direction. Begin with something as basic as decluttering. Identify what sucks your energy, what’s excessive in your life, and get rid of it. Focus on things that need your attention.

Re-evaluate your choices and get the tools necessary to have a happy life. Have a routine and follow it diligently. Our brain is at ease when it knows what needs to be done.

Just remember all these feelings are impermanent. Change is the new constant. So, this too shall pass. Don’t get overwhelmed.

Gradually, things begin to fall into place. Emotions are settled, and parents realize that this is how it started. You had a life before kids and maybe go back to that life. Discover your passion in this phase of life.

As parents, we want our kids to be successful. Likewise, our kids also want us to be happy and healthy. The feeling is mutual. All of us must take care of our physical and mental health. Only then the ship of the family can sail smoothly through these turbulent times.

Now, if you are an empty nester, you know what to do. But if you still have some time before you become one, prepare in advance. As you’re equipping kids for adulthood, spare some thoughts for yourself too. Reconnect with your friends. Find out ways that will keep you busy. Have some time for yourself too.

But as they say, no amount of preparation will help you know how to deal with this loss. One should be mindful while advising on such matters. Callous attitudes and phrases like, “It’s ok, it happens,” and “You’ll get over it,” should be avoided. For the person who is suffering, this loss is real.

So, yes, it hurts, but brush yourself, get up, and go back to work! Embrace the power of surrender and discover the incredible flow of life.

Nidhi Raj is an independent writing professional, storyteller, and mother with a keen interest in women’s issues and International Relations.