Stop Asking ‘Why Them?’ Start Asking ‘Why Him?’
For 4 years, Channel Miller was known as ‘Emily Doe’, the anonymous woman who was sexually assaulted behind a dumpster at the elite Stanford University by college swimming champion Brock Turner. After a grueling legal battle of 4 years, she got her name back and reclaimed her story. She recounted her ordeal where she was instantly subjected to intense media scrutiny, maligning her character whereas the culprit was at once humanized as a good boy, a star who just deviated from his path by declaring Miller as a drunkard who invited such crime to happen to her.
Miller was shattered. It took immense mental strength on her part to come to terms with what happened and how to go about it. She decided to take things head-on. It was only because of her courage and determination that Tucker was declared guilty and a sexual offender. But the journey left her heartbroken and scarred. The judgemental and probing eyes of society pained her. She pointed out that the attitude around victim blaming needed to change if we as a community wanted to encourage women to come forward and report sexual assault.
Giselle Pelicot: From A Victim to A Symbol Of Strength
If you are not blissfully ignorant about the world around you, you must now be familiar with this name. Giselle whose husband drugged and raped her not only himself but also invited dozen other men to violate her. She was drugged and did not even realize what was happening to her. This went on for more than a decade. Then the husband was picked up in some other case and during the police investigation, this sordid tale came out. It turned her whole world upside down and shocked the world.
Giselle‘s courage and resilience in publicly proving a decade of rape and sexual abuse at the hands of her husband transformed her from a simple grandmother to French National Hero. She told the press that she wanted to be open about the hellish struggle of the years-long abuse by her ex-husband for her children. She said she never regretted opening the doors of the trial. By doing so, the society could see what was happening. In her words, it was making “shame swaps sides” from the victim to the rapist. Her decision allowed journalists to cover the trial in full, which transformed the 72-year-old into a feminist icon.
I can list a number of cases from around the world and you will always find the same pattern everywhere. Somehow the flaw is found in the victim and then she is blamed for what happened to her.
But why do we treat victims of sexual violence as if they brought it upon themselves?
In pre-modern times victims of rape and sexual violence were often blamed and even punished by the state. In medieval Europe, rape was considered to be a woman’s fault if she was attractive because her beauty was so overwhelming that it compelled men to rape her. When the first modern law against rape was drafted in 1860 in India, it included clauses specifically centered around a women’s character because of the fear that women may make false accusations for some ulterior motive. Unfortunately, we still haven’t left this mindset. Till 2003 Indian laws allowed for lenient rape sentences if the victim was immoral. The Indian Penal Code still uses the term ‘outraging the modesty of women’ to refer to sexual assault. The judges also focus on the woman’s past sexual history, drinking habits, lack of physical resistance, and close friendship with the accused as evidence that the sex was consensual.
Not only the legal system but even the media coverage places unfair importance on where the victim was going, who she was with, and finding out ways to suggest that she herself put herself in danger.
Countless individuals are subjected to sexual violence and abuse in their lifetime. Even though many people go through this, studies have shown that every 10th person will blame the victim for the abuse. It is a serious social phenomenon that occurs throughout the world. By blaming and shaming we discourage reports of sexual assault. We discourage victims from coming forward and seeking the support that they need to be able to recover from the trauma.
We contribute to an atmosphere that supports the rapists. When we continue to go after the victim then we are not reducing the number of sexual assaults but we are letting the perpetrator run rampant.
Victim blaming can manifest itself in many ways – from thoughtless comments to prejudiced attitudes within the legal system.
Victim blaming has three types:
- Behavioral: When the behavior of the victim led to social violence like maybe she got drunk, walked Home alone, etc.
- Characterological: Where the personality of the victim led to the sexual violence like she may be flirty, over-confident, miss-know-all, etc.
- Situational: When the situation is dangerous or risky like going to a house party increases your risk of sexual assault.
But all these characterizations don’t actually place the blame where it belongs – “The Perpetrator”, so that is why it is called victim blaming.
Victim blaming is one of the most common reactions to stories of abuse. Why is that? When we victim blame, what are we really doing?
There is a psychological explanation for victim-blaming, attributed to the theory of the “just world.” This theory suggests that everyone gets what they deserve. Humans are hardwired to prefer feeling good. Although we know bad things can happen to good people, we want to believe that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. As a result, when we hear about something bad happening, we unconsciously look for ways to blame the victim, assuming they must have done something wrong. If we can’t find fault in the victim’s actions, we may look for other reasons to dislike them, often forming judgments about people we don’t even know.
By placing the problem in the personal sphere it is easier to shrug off responsibility and avoid the biggest social problem plaguing society and the possibility of it happening to us.
It is so difficult to talk about sexual assault that it probably is easier to just ignore it and act like it doesn’t happen at all.
On average, as per global standards, out of 100 rapes 68 will never be reported to law enforcement. Out of the 32 reported, only 10 will result in the perpetrator being charged. Very few go to the trial. The ones that usually do, usually get a non-guilty verdict. Only 2% of rapists serve any jail time.
In the US 77% of incidents of rape and sexual assault case were not reported to the police in 2017. While women of color are more likely to be assaulted than white women, they are even less likely to report these incidents. Who can be blamed? For every 1000 rape cases in the US, fewer than 5 perpetrators will end up behind bars.
Raising awareness about this problem is just one step, and it must be followed by another that focuses on the perpetrator. The perpetrators choose to harm other people, no matter how their victim looks and acts, or the situation they were in. They were never to blame so the victim is not the problem here but THE PERPETRATOR.
There is new research that suggests that there is a way to greatly reduce the tendency to blame the victim and it is actually very simple.
Society often blames the wrong person because discussions focus on the wrong person, but this can be addressed through basic grammar. For example, consider this scenario: Lara was approached by Mike at a party. Mike gave Lara a drink spiked with date rape drugs, and later that night, Lara was assaulted by Mike. Researchers found that framing the story from Lara’s perspective made people more likely to blame her for not avoiding the situation. However, they also discovered something very helpful.
When the sentence structure was changed to focus on the perpetrator, people were significantly less likely to blame the victim. By rephrasing the story as: Mike approached Lara at a party. Mike gave Lara a drink spiked with date rape drugs, and later that night, Mike assaulted Lara, people focused less on what Lara could have done differently and more on Mike’s actions.
Essentially, by shifting the grammatical focus from the victim to the perpetrator, our brains are more likely to hold the criminal accountable for their actions.
So I call upon all the journalists, police officers, lawyers, activists, and school administrators to please focus on the perpetrator. At the end of the day, it is easier for people to dehumanize whom they can’t help. But by adjusting the way we talk about it, we can shift the focus.
It is important to disturb the culture of shame and silence surrounding sexual abuse. How we respond matters. We can all play a part in changing the paradigm by changing the way we think of sexual assault.
Stop blaming.
Stop shaming.
Start believing.
Start listening.
Ten people who speak make more noise than a thousand who are silent.
Let’s make some noise.
–Nidhi Raj is an independent writing professional, storyteller, and mother with a keen interest in women’s issues and International Relations.
