The CIC Model of Living a Stress Free life

Let me begin by asking a very important question – How many of us would love to lead a life that’s completely stress-free? I’m sure I can already see a smile on people’s faces, “Come on, it’s an obvious ‘Yes’ as an answer.”

So here is a simple model that I follow, and believe me, once we accept and practice this, nothing is impossible. The model is called the CIC model for a happy life.

Act on everything that’s in your control. If you don’t get the results, try focusing on support that can influence your request. If that too doesn’t work, simply drop it.

So, what does it really mean? Let me explain this through a simple example from my own life. I have a 21-year-old daughter. Early in her career, she used to enjoy playing sports and was selected for the Olympic gold quest after her 10th grade. She was posted in Nagpur, and I was in Mumbai. In a day, I would practically get 20 to 22 calls from her, every now and then, “Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma,” to the point that I would be tired of taking her calls. Can you imagine your phone ringing every 10 minutes?

Anyways, life had its own story to unfold. Due to COVID, my daughter dropped her badminton career and decided to focus fully on her education. She moved from Nagpur, where she was studying arts for her 11th and 12th grades, to taking up BBA at Symbiosis University in Pune. Now that she was studying a new subject, a new vertical altogether, she was too engrossed in her studies and wouldn’t call me every day. In fact, she called me only once a week on a Sunday, and that too for hardly 5 to 10 minutes. There came a time when I really started missing hearing her “mammas.”

One day, in the afternoon, when I was sitting, I was really missing her a lot and was wishing she’d call. So here I had two choices: to whine that I missed her, and she didn’t, or do what was in my control, which was to pick up the phone and call. Now that’s exactly what I did. I picked up the phone to speak to her and let her know that I was missing hearing her voice. But she did not answer my call.

Now, the other option I had was to move from the circle of control to the circle of influence, which was calling up one of her friends and asking her to connect me to her, as I could not get through to her number. So, I quickly jumped to my influence and called her friend. She picked up the phone and said, “Sure, Aunty, she is with me only,” and tried to hand over the phone to my daughter, saying, “It’s your mom’s call.” However, my daughter very coolly replied, “Tell Ma I’ll call her back,” and she disconnected the phone, which means talking to her still did not get accomplished. I tried what was in my control; I tried what was in my influence. Nothing worked.

Now, here is where we need to consciously start practicing. Just take a moment and imagine, if at this point, I start operating from the circle of concern, what would happen? So, what is this circle of concern? A circle of concern typically means BWM – Blaming, Whining, and Mourning. Dwelling on things like, “I gave birth to her, took so much care of her, gave up my career to support her, etc., etc., she doesn’t value me. Now, her new friends are her priority. She thinks she has become very big; she doesn’t have time to talk to her mother, and now her need has gone.” I could have 1000 things running through my mind, and imagine I had been basking in the circle of concern, and 2 days later, when she calls me, how do you think I would typically start that call? It would typically be like, “Oh my God, Lady Diana, you have the time to call your mother finally. You’ve been even busier than probably our Prime Minister Narendra Modi. So busy that you don’t have 2 minutes to call up your mom and talk to her. Tomorrow, if something happens to me, I don’t think you will really be interested in knowing.” Now, take a moment to reflect and ask, how do you think typically she would have reacted to this conversation? Obviously, not in an interested manner, right? Maybe very to the point like, “Ma, is there something urgent? Tell me; otherwise, I need to keep the phone,” and probably that conversation would have lasted hardly for a couple of minutes. Do you agree? Now, let’s think that I did not operate from the circle of concern. I tried what was in my control, but it didn’t work. I tried the influence, but it didn’t work.

Now, she called me after 2 days and said, “Hi Mom,” and I started by saying, “Hey beta, I was missing you so much. Sorry, I know you were busy, and I should not have called you, but you know what, I was really missing you. Yeah, I was missing all those ‘Mamma, Mamma, Mamma’ which used to happen and talk about all those old memories that were associated with those 20 calls a day.” Imagine her saying, “I am really sorry I couldn’t call you back. Actually, one of my close friends slipped, and she fell. We had to rush her to the hospital. Unfortunately, it was a fracture, and I had to stay in the hospital that night with her, and my phone battery had completely drained. I did not have a phone charger with me. Also, after I came back, we had assignments to submit, and I totally forgot to charge my phone. It’s only today that I realized I haven’t spoken to you, Mom. I’m really sorry.”

Do you think that call would have ended in a few minutes? I’m sure you will agree it would have gone on for close to an hour. This is the difference that happens when you don’t operate from concern. “What will people say? How will the world look at me?” Unfortunately, 99% of us operate from concern and end up overthinking about things that are not in our control.

So, let’s start with a simple practice to work with what you can do rather than dwelling on things that are not in your control. I do agree with the fact that yes, it’s not very easy to do what I am asking you to do, or what I am expecting you to do, but trust me, with a little focus and practice, it will become a way of life. Going forward, if you ever catch yourself dwelling in the circle of concern, take a pause and ask yourself, “By doing so, is it serving me in any way? What are the things I can do about it?” Also, check the impact it is having on your mental and physical health, and ask yourself if it is worth it.

When you have an answer to this, I’m sure working from control and influence will become a part of your life. Today, I work on this very comfortably. I really don’t bother thinking about what will happen if this doesn’t work because making it work is in my hand, and if it doesn’t work, do I have a backup plan, which is again in my hand? So, if it doesn’t work your way, trust the universe, and I’m sure HE will make it work his way.

-Dr. Anjana Vinod is a breast cancer coach, a TEDx speaker, Mrs. India International 2023, an IIM Bangalore MDP alum, a mentor, and a recipient of the Dr. A P J Abdul Kalam Award for service excellence and the Delhi Today Award for her coaching work.