Women, Sex, and Sensibilities

Earlier domestic violence was seen as a private matter between husband and wife but not anymore. Women are asserting their rights as sexual beings and reinventing the paradigm of relationships and the ideal woman.

‘SEX’ Isn’t the 3 letter word enough to send down millions of ripples in the jaded bones and nerves in one’s body?

It was also dealt with very thoughtfully by the renowned author Shobha De in her book ‘Speed post’ which is a compilation of letters to her six grown-up children. I being a mother of 2 grown-up boys could resonate with her feelings and the advance in which she wanted to deal with the same at different stages of life.

The first few expressions which flash into one’s mind usually oscillate between scenes of what actors and actresses do in Hollywood and Bollywood flicks. Revolving around marriage, honeymoon, and skimpy-clad women in sexy night wears, lingerie, and considerably much more.

At one point in time, maybe a few decades back, it was uncannily plugged into the minds of young brides to be, that “The only door to a successful and happy marriage is by keeping the man happy. Furthering, keeping him happy not only through his stomach but also secretly coded at the guarded relation which comes within the marital package.”

Before I construct my conscious thoughts orbiting around the world within the realm of marriage, I want to be unapologetically vocal about it outside the realm too. I strongly subscribe to the notion that the conduct of all folks graduating to do diverse fads in life ranging from becoming a doer of the heinous crime to a saint, certainly has a strong correlation with the Biology behind this word. It is really funny that we earthlings didn’t take it seriously at all. Science says some people are born high or with extra sex-influencing hormones and some with less or lack of the same.

At the outset, it may always feel like love strikes us in the heart. However, it is scientifically understood that the release of hormones like Estrogen, Progesterone, and Testosterone are essentially responsible for our fertility and sexual desire. They are responsible for the pregnancy, puberty, menstruation, menopause, sex drive, sperm production, and more.

We grew up in the age of hearing and practicing ‘Birds and Bees’ stories to our kids and the tradition continued without much thought given to it. It’s a pity that the former group could be misconstrued as a perversion of the highest order, if their external manifestation owing to their higher sexual urges comes out naturally, more precisely with a ‘Basic instinct’. I have always felt that if this was guided with urgency and relevance by their parents or caregivers, sexually charged crimes like rape, and molestation could have undoubtedly been prevented. Under proper supervision, counseling, medications, and therapies if the need be. Also, I have heard through several accounts from people that they still lament and couldn’t get over the fact that many of them have wasted their prime years in a life in the gratification of their carnal desires through reading and or watching erotic content (Playboy, Debonaire magazine, etc.) and have landed themselves in a sea of mediocrity and nothing beyond.

And quite often, many of us still can’t digest the existence of another group other than assuming the second group to be impotent. With much doubt, apprehension, and confusion, they won’t, especially if they have parented any children. It seems there is no room for low libido itself.

It’s my opinion. If you don’t feel the urge for it, life becomes easy for you to take decisions towards a meaningful objective either on serving the nation /religious group / being a Clergy. It sets my soul on fire to see both movies and web series on the OTT in the now coming of age much to the chagrin of some if not all spectators. It seems like they are on a farfetched exploration of the known-to-unknown catalysts which fuel the uncomfortable emotions simmering under fractured relationships. Much to the obvious, lies the significance of the word or lack of it in any relationship.

There is an entire gamut to explore from. It has evolved from the stereotyped sizzling scenes to sketching an onscreen female character who is bold enough to express her sensual appetite. It doesn’t end there. She indulged in external ways to satiate if her appetite was not fulfilled according to her desire.

We have evolved into a more civilized generation to watch and be aware of the various forms of sexual abuse under the umbrella. Not only a simple but solid but humble ‘NO’ is a NO outside marriage, but it could also imply the same inside the marriage too. Another form of abuse, the nomenclature of which remains in its nascent stage. It is withholding sex or any type of expression of love, by a certain group of people if things were not done or does not happen to them as per their expectations. They usually do this to control or punish their spouses. This behavior is not at all a Neurotypical or normal behavior and is exhibited by people who have Cerebral Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Sex is not the only aspect of a marital relationship. Certainly not. One has to connect through various parameters beyond the 10-minute act too. Likes, dislikes, attitudes, aptitudes, priorities, ideologies, and philosophies in running the post-marital family show should be on the same platform. However, the Red Flag begins to show, when one is not sensually attracted to the other irrespective of whether the couple has met the above criteria. This is the only parameter where an imbalance of the equation between the couple can throw the relationship out of gear.

I strongly opine that each individual has a different need and takes in their course of the journey on this planet. For some, SEX is a Bliss that just restricts itself to a few occasional stands in the initial years of marriage and lasts long till the objective of procreation is fulfilled, sometimes only to get a male heir in the family. After that is achieved, bliss gets redefined through a plethora of activities like cooking, gardening, reading books, watching the news, sports, and other philanthropic activities.

However, to some, the word never loses its charm at any time during the tenure of marriage. The phase of honeymoon continues to remain a moment of ethereal bliss to be enjoyed by partaking in the act physically, emotionally, and mentally. They just look forward to that moment which carries them into a state of trance. Sexual intimacy helps reduce feelings of anxiety and depression with the release of three mood-boosting chemicals — Dopamine, Endorphins, and Oxytocin. Period.

It’s not one, but hundreds of thousands of anecdotes can be shared, incidences of extramarital affairs, short-term flings, and many such cases to be heard of. If this sole ‘Basic and primitive instinct’ was considered seriously by everyone and decisions taken likewise, it could have saved many a marital failure.

One can meet all kinds of people in the current age of technological advancement, especially when you are mentally and physically prepared for marriage or a relationship. It has just reduced to a button away to be with someone only for lust, if not for love or anything else. I have always felt that it is very difficult to judge anyone about their sex quotient by merely looking at their appearance, ability to be presentable or the attire they are wearing, or the profession they are attached to. One might pose to be so decent enough to give you the impression of a harmless onlooker if not a saint. But don’t be bemused by the fact that the same person may turn up to be hypersexual when it comes to the fulfillment of his carnal
desires.

This is entirely a different and most difficult aspect of a person since it continues to be a taboo for open discussion with partners lest parents at least in India till now. As a result, most of us grow up to be irresponsible adults who don’t know how to recognize and understand the demand and supply side of our Sensual Economics in life. It is vital to understand the combination of characteristics that attributes to the sex life of an individual. Honestly speaking, if this understanding was given priority, the world would have attained Collective Salvation a long time back.

As we celebrate one hundred and twelfth international women’s day let’s take a pledge to help and support women in this journey.