Signs of Deception

Modern relationships have become even more complex than before. We constantly question the authenticity of our partner’s intentions: Are they truly invested in the relationship, or are we just caught in a web of deceit?

As a psychologist, I witness people grappling with the nuances of trust and betrayal. Here, we will delve into the 10 signs that may indicate you are being played in a relationship.

1. Inconsistent Communication

Imagine this scenario: S and J have been together for several months, and their communication has been timely and open. However, recently, S noticed a shift. J, who used to reply promptly to messages, now shows an irregular pattern. Sometimes, they respond promptly, while other times they remain mysteriously silent. This irregularity leaves S confused and anxious.

The day-to-day inconsistencies that you can notice-

Delayed text responses
Unreturned calls
Abrupt disinterest during face-to-face calls

These erratic communication patterns may seem subtle at first, making it difficult for you to pinpoint the exact cause. However, you need to recognize these subtle cues and initiate a conversation about your concerns and expectations, fostering a space of transparency and understanding.

2. Slippery Commitment

If your partner consistently avoids discussions about the future or sidesteps commitment, it may be a strong sign that their intentions are not aligned with yours. Such commitment issues are evident during discussions of:

Plans for the future together
Cohabitation
Long-term goals

You might notice that every time you bring up these topics, your partner gets uneasy, avoids engaging in these conversations, or gives vague responses that leave you questioning their dedication to the relationship. In such cases, what’s happening is that your partner has different expectations or a reluctance to commit to a shared future.

Recognize these patterns early and communicate about each other’s expectations and aspirations. It will promote a healthier and more transparent foundation for your relationship.

3. Shifting Priorities

Your relationship is a reflection of shared priorities and values.

If your partner’s priorities are constantly shifting, diverging from the priorities you initially set, it may be an indication of their motives. Every day, shifting priorities can manifest in various ways.

For example, J and E initially bonded over their shared love for adventure and exploration. However, over time, J’s priorities began to shift. His weekends, once reserved for shared activities, are now all about solo pursuits, leaving E feeling disconnected and questioning the change in his priorities and behavior.

Recognize these subtle changes and talk about the shift in priorities. This allows both of you to reassess your shared values and make conscious efforts to realign priorities based on mutual understanding and shared aspirations.

4. Gaslighting

This is one of the most common manipulative techniques used in relationships.

Often, it leaves us confused and questioning our partner’s sanity and perceptions. For example, a partner who consistently denies saying hurtful things or alters the content of past events, making you doubt your version of reality. Gaslighting involves phrases like:

“I never said that.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
“You always do this.”
“You’re too sensitive.”

Over time, this becomes a vicious cycle of subtle manipulations that erode your confidence, leaving you second-guessing your own decisions and emotions.

If you find yourself doubting your perceptions, seek support from friends, family, or even a mental health professional—anyone who can provide a fresh and alternative perspective and help you reclaim a sense of reality within the relationship.

5. Secrecy

Trust is the glue that binds a relationship together.

Signs of secrecy include a partner becoming guarded about their phone or social media activities. Perhaps they start password-protecting their devices, avoid conversations about their day, or become evasive when asked about their plans for the weekend.

Such actions create a barrier that hinders open communication and creates a gap or distance between the partners. In some cases, secrecy may be a red flag for more significant issues, such as infidelity or a lack of commitment.

Initiate a non-confrontational conversation, don’t attack your partner, be transparent, and share your feelings and concerns. Express your need for honesty and understanding.

6. Lack of Accountability

Taking responsibility for one’s actions is a crucial aspect of a healthy relationship.

If your partner deflects blame or refuses to acknowledge mistakes, it may indicate a lack of accountability and a potential disregard for your feelings.

People deflect blame as a defense mechanism to protect their self-esteem. Admitting mistakes can trigger feelings of vulnerability, shame, or inadequacy. If there is a chronic deflection, it may signal a deeper issue such as fear of failure or an inability to cope with perceived consequences of taking responsibility.

If your partner becomes uncomfortable or denies taking responsibility or accountability, lead by example. Show accountability to them in your actions and choices. This will create a positive environment where both of you feel comfortable acknowledging mistakes and working towards solutions.

7. Emotionally Unavailable

Emotional intimacy is the bedrock of a genuine connection.

However, if your partner seems emotionally distant or disengaged, it could signal an underlying issue.

For example, your partner consistently avoids discussing personal emotions, sidesteps questions about their day, or responds to serious discussions with humor or deflection. Imagine you are sharing a heartfelt concern with your partner, and instead of engaging in the conversation, they change the subject or provide a carefree response, leaving you alone to explore your emotions and feelings.

Emotional unavailability stems from several factors such as past traumas, fear of vulnerability, or unresolved emotional issues.

What you can do is encourage active listening. Focus fully on your partner, validate their emotions, and respond empathetically. Feeling heard is a fundamental aspect of emotional intimacy. Create a reciprocal dynamic, encouraging your partner to feel more comfortable expressing themselves.

8. Intuition Ignored

Human beings have an amazing intuition that often signals when something is amiss.

When we are in a relationship, often we consistently dismiss or override our gut feelings. It is very essential to explore the reasons behind this dismissal.

You might notice your partner’s behavior raising internal alarms. You notice a sudden change in their communication patterns or discover inconsistencies in their stories. In times like these, your intuition might signal that there’s more to the situation than meets the eye. Ignoring these signals can lead to emotional distress, your intuition trying to attempt to communicate concerns that you are not acknowledging.

You might be dismissing intuition because of fear of conflict, a desire to avoid facing uncomfortable truths, or a lack of trust in one’s judgment. You can engage in trust-building activities that strengthen the bond between both of you. If such concerns persist or cause distress, seek the assistance of a relationship therapist.

9. Emotional Rollercoaster

Your relationship can feel emotionally draining with these consistent highs and lows.

While all relationships have their ups and downs, a perpetual rollercoaster of emotions indicates a manipulative dynamic. Some day-to-day rollercoasters may include:

Abrupt shifts in mood
Inconsistent behaviors
Unpredictable response to situations.

These fluctuations in emotional intensity can leave you feeling on edge, walking on eggshells, and constantly adapting to the unpredictable emotional climate.

A stable and supportive relationship should offer emotional security. Clear communication helps in overcoming this emotional rollercoaster. Discuss each other’s emotional needs, concerns, and triggers.

10. Isolation Tactics

In our relationships, isolation tactics can unfold gradually, often disguised as concern or a desire for exclusive closeness.

For example, imagine T excitedly mentioning plans to attend a family gathering, only for J to express vague concerns about the event, creating a subtle sense of guilt or obligation for T to reconsider.

Isolation can also manifest through seemingly harmless comments that plant seeds of doubt about the intentions of friends or family. J may make comments like, “Your friend seems to have changed lately; maybe you should distance yourself a bit.” Over time, these comments contribute to a gradual withdrawal from external social connections.

Manipulative partners often employ these isolation tactics to exert control. You need to communicate clearly and establish healthy boundaries within the relationship. External support can provide a reality check and offer guidance on navigating the situation.

So, understand these signs and empower yourself to not fall into the trap of partners who are only there to waste your time and hurt you in the long run.

-Bivita Chhetri is a Counselling psychologist who specializes in depression, anxiety, and relationship issues and is a personality development coach.