The Right ‘marryAGE’ for Girls
On August 15th, 2020, when our Prime Minister spoke about the distribution of sanitary pads at Re.1, I think our country has progressed at least one century in terms of gender equality. Yes, for centuries the topic of menstruation has been a taboo for not even the lowest levels of discussion forget to be spoken at the ramparts of the Red Fort! Because there are villages in rural India even now where menstrual hygiene is so primitive that women use sand, ashes, and whatnot, the top man of the nation (note: “Man”) speaking about it as part of Independence Day speech is indeed the onset of more freedom for women in our country.
The week after, there were several discussions related to issues women face and the next was on the right age for marriage for girls. The PM of India announced the constitution of a committee to research and arrive at recommendations on the legal age for the marriage of a girl. The committee shall be looking at the health, and socio-economic perspectives of the same, and the Indian government is expected to come out with a revised law soon. If their recommendations are right, the revised age may be increased to 21, at par with boys. This will be yet again a significant step as the last time women’s age of marriage was increased from 15 to 18 years was in 1978, by amending the erstwhile Sharda Act of 1929.
Keeping aside the legal age of marriage, let’s look at the psychosocial aspects a bit in depth.
What is the “right age” for a girl to get married?
What is the “right age” for her to enter motherhood?
Well, according to me it should be at least 25! Not even 21. Furthermore, this should be the minimum age, and remember there is no maximum. If a woman wants to get married at 50, 60, or 70, she shall be allowed legally. However, as a society are we allowing it? If she doesn’t want to marry that should be perfectly fine and if she wants to get divorced, that should be double perfect. If she wants multiple partners this should also be fine! Ah I know that made your eyebrows twisted. Are you advocating polygamy in the name of feminism?
Yes, Polygamy is illegal in India. Sections 494 and 495 of the Indian Penal Code of 1860, prohibited polygamy for the Christians. In 1955, the Hindu Marriage Act was drafted, which prohibited the marriage of a Hindu whose spouse was still living. Thus polygamy became illegal in India in 1956, uniformly for all of its citizens except for Muslim men, who are permitted to have four wives. For Hindu men in Goa and along the western coast bigamy is legal.
Why men of one religion are only exempted from this law? Why not women?
Can we deny the fact that despite the existence of the Polygamy Act, we have innumerable cases of polygamous relationships in our society, and the victims of the same are the children born out of these relationships who end up “illegitimate”? It is an injustice and cruelty towards the child more than the fact that his/her parents had an illegal relationship. Well, a couple of years back when India passed the historical decriminalization of consensual sex of LGBTQ couples, the country moved one step forward in legalizing same-sex marriage. Same-sex marriage is legal in 29 countries across the globe as of May 2020.
Coming back to our original topic of discussion, the right age for a girl to get married!
Thinking aloud some of the points and counterpoints in this matter; the points below are from a society’s perspective which believes that the girl’s marriage age should be lower. The counterpoint is mine.
Point one: A girl after puberty is ready to bear a child scientifically and hence can get married.
Counter-point one: However, she needs to be prepared mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially before that. Puberty or menstruation is not a benchmark for a girl to get married. Incidentally, a few years back, there was news about a 12-year-old kid, who was sexually abused in the name of marriage, giving birth to a baby and unfortunately, this happened in Kerala! How will this 12-year girl be able to take care of her baby?
Point two: A girl after puberty is ready for marriage because the earlier the parents can marry off their girl, the better; especially in minority communities where there are many kids and the system of dowry is hard.
Counterpoint two: This point itself goes wrong when dowry is prohibited in India. If you have more kids that doesn’t mean your girl child is a burden to be sent off to someone else. The best that you can do is to educate her and develop her skills before getting her married off.
Point three: An early marriage helps the girl settle down in life faster.
Counterpoint three: Marriage needs a really strong sense of managing relationships, and nurturing a family, and far more challenging in terms of responsibilities than being single. In most families, the wife is the silent bearer of all the tensions, worries, difficulties, and whatnot. Some husbands vent out the tension on their wives. So, are these underaged wives ready to face such situations? Also, have you ever asked how comfortable she is in that marriage? If there is a problem, all that the parents can advise is, “Try to adjust dear.. all this is part of married life”. And how many such marriages are actually “happy marriages”? 90% of such marriages could be just “adjusting marriages”, because they can’t get separated as there might be kids involved or due to financial dependencies that the wife might be going through.
Point four: An early marriage helps the community in better sexual discipline.
Counterpoint four: There are hundreds of examples of domestic violence, marital rape, and other sexual offenses which are occurring to married women. Do we have a legal system to support such women? Marital rape is still not considered a serious crime and is dealt with under the domestic violence Act. An early marriage may give discipline to men who get a vent out for their sexual desire (for some women too) but marriage is not just about sex and the better way is to legalize prostitution! Furthermore, in most cases, the discipline that we talk about might not be relevant for men, who end up having “fun” in many ways. Talking about, the sexual preferences of women, do our men even consider the same? How many women in marriage are actually “sexually satisfied”?
Point five: A girl’s primary role in society is to build and nurture a family. The earlier the better!
Counterpoint five: But, did you ask the girl about her dreams about her life? Or did you just instill such a thought into her mind? (Unfortunately, our society instills this thought into the girl’s mind right from the time she is born!). As India is progressing and girls get access to higher education, it is time to keep
aside the century-old patriarchal notion of looking at a girl as a “potential progeny-making machine”. A financially empowered single girl is better than a dependent and helpless mother.
Points and counterpoints can go on and on…
Coming back to my argument of making the legal age of marriage 25; Physically yes, she is ready by the age of 13. However, a girl gets intellectually, socially, and emotionally mature to handle marriage and childbirth by the age of 25 only. We also need to acknowledge the fact that all developed countries have the average age of marriage of women nearing 28 or 30 whereas the under-developed or developing countries have it around 16-18. Logically this just points to the better education of the girl, the financial independence that she attains, and most importantly the self-respect that she gains which allows her to say “no” to abusive relationships better.
As I conclude, let me share a case of a 20-year-old girl who messaged me on social media from Kannur, Kerala. She is from an orthodox Muslim family and while she was doing her higher secondary education, her father forcefully married her off to a 30-year-old man. An 18-year-old girl who obliged to the family pressure ended up a victim of torturous sexual abuse including burning with cigarette stubs at her private parts. She was afraid to even talk about this to her own parents since she thought “whatever the husband does” has to be accepted by a “good wife” and the husband also made her shameful and fearful. This went on for two years during which she quit her education and lost interest in herself. She put on weight and underwent depression. This is when the family noticed and took her to the hospital. After a psychiatric treatment of 1 year, the girl overcame her mental illness and decided to get divorced. It was from the psychiatrist that she came to know that she is a victim of abuse and she was suffering when she had continued “being a good wife”. At the age of 20, she is divorced (thankfully with no kids) but the society around is considers her to be a failure. She contacted me asking for a job and if she can relocate to some other place. Without graduation or any specific skill education, she was a typical example of the ‘unemployable’ category. I suggested she learn to tailor and get into that vocation since she was interested in it. We always have options to monetize our passion, however, we must be educated well and let our girl children also be so.
I know, this story is painful but glad she has overcome it and has her freedom now. But, the questions remain –Why was she not aware of her rights earlier? Why couldn’t she come out of it earlier? The reason is that she was a child not ready for marriage and had all the misconception society had instilled in her.
A girl who is not aware of her rights and is not prepared to take the responsibility of marriage is not ready for it according to me. And a boy who is not aware of the rights that his wife has and the responsibilities of a husband in a marriage is also not ready for marriage.
So, instead of talking about the legalities of marriage, let’s talk about the psycho-social and economic repercussions and make suitable decisions.
And dear girls, get your best education and become financially independent before even getting into a marriage. I would say, that’s when you are at the “right age”. Otherwise, your marriage may become mar of the age!
September 2020
#CeeVee is the brand name of Dr. Chandra Vadhana.
Dr. Chandra Vadhana
Founder and Chief Mentor,
Prayaana Labs
