When We Need to Train Our Brains to See Love

I completed 26 years of marriage this week and it feels like only 5 or 6 years. I could be terrible at math. 

Even though I had been blessed by the presence of a good human being in life, it did take a few hiccups, to overcome my baggage from childhood.  Childhood baggage, many of us may have, restricts us from acknowledging the love, care and affection from our partners. It cripples us and stops us from taking in the affection the other person may freely give. It may also restrict us from showering affection or from teaching us different love languages.

As adults, when we become aware of it, it is our duty to unlearn those patterns and re-learn new ways to see, act and feel. The journeys are always on going. Each day teaches us something new. It can only enrich us and enrich our partnerships.

The initial years of my marriage felt like a shackle as I was trying to adhere to my own ideas of what a ‘good’ wife should be. When I look back, the only pressure for me to be a ‘good’ wife was in my head, from the examples I saw around me. God knows, how many of those examples themselves were living under similar pressures.  Many of the ideas of a ‘good’ wife did not go with my nature. I was resisting my nature and swimming against the tide. It took me a home, a job and 2 small kids to finally throw up my hands and proclaim that I could not do it anymore.

Seeking professional help was the best thing we did. Of course, professional help is also trial and error method. We need to find who suits us the best. There are some religious counsellors who will hammer into you about the qualities of a ‘good’ wife, asking you to swim against the roaring tides all over again. We left those counsellors after a session. I finally found a woman counsellor who simply sat and listened to me for 45 minutes without uttering a word. As I spoke, and the tears and sobs came in waves, it slowly dawned on me about how unfairly I had treated myself for those few years. The only person who was unfair to me was myself, that I had not given myself any consideration, space nor kindness. That hit me hard, and it was the day a decision to be true to myself was taken. And that, changed everything about me, our partnership and life in general.

Through all those different hues and seasons of me, there has been one steadfast support and calm presence, my partner. He remained the same and when I decided to see, act and feel differently, everything changed for me. It had nothing to do with another person, it was always me.

It has been a joyful journey of self-re-discovery and being true to myself. The world accepts us as whoever we are. We just have to be, that’s all. When we start being kind to ourselves, we discover that others too are kind to us. We are able to accept the kindness and affection from others. It would always have been there, but we hardly saw it. When we are kind to ourselves, we also do not allow others to be unkind to us.

A recent lesson that I picked up was to remind ourselves of the love around us. After years of being together and in proximity, we may lose track of the signs of love, care and affection around us. Our brain ends up looking for signs that ignite irritation, frustration, how wrong the other person is, among other stressful things. The list piles up in our brain and it gives us no joy. So, we need to train ourselves to train our brains to see the love around us. For e.g.: He/she makes a cup of tea for us or opens the door for us or brushes crumbs off our face or waits to have lunch with us or closes the door to our room cos we are sleeping or anything else. So, whenever we see actions or words that feels like love to us, consciously say in our head “he/she loves me.” Once we start doing this, we discover that there are more and more things that shows love in our vicinity. We find the actions multiplying and a warm fuzzy feeling of joy bubbling in us. Trying saying this aloud to your partner whenever we see an act of affection. “Aww, you love me.” It gives them immense joy too and the instances instantly start multiplying.

There is so much of love and affection in people. Teach ourselves to let them give it to us and bask in its joy. Teach ourselves to accept all that love.

–Sajitha Rasheed is a relationship workshop facilitator and the Founder and Chief Mentor of Mind Mojo.