Live your own life, dance to your own music

There is no tomorrow in this Covid era- Live your own life, dance to your music

My upbringing was in an environment that was so positive, supportive, and encouraging that whatever happened in my life, I used to get positive affirmations from my mom -just go ahead, prepare well, and give your best, you can do it and I trusted my mom more than my breath. I tried and most of the time either I succeeded or I got a lesson on how to improvise, try it again, or just leave it as it was meant for me.

Honestly speaking, trying new things and trying till I became perfect in what I did came naturally to me.  Then came a stage when I got my second home, where I got married. Here everything comes with pre-set-defined rules. I was judged 24*7 for whatever I did professionally, personally even to the extent of how I walked. Continuous feedback to improve my eating habits, dressing sense, how much I should talk to my parents, what I should wear, everything and anything came to the purview of being scrutinized and being open to family round table discussions as If my initial 26 years of grooming and formulation of my personality has been a disaster and everything is supposed to be changed and modified according to the wins and fancies of every member of my new family.

The girl who was confident enough to make all decisions in life starting from which profession to choose, which gadgets to buy, which place to visit, which company to join, and how to negotiate and close crores of sales deals professionally is not even qualified to decide what she can eat for her breakfast. My confidence level reduced from 100 % to almost in the minus and after struggling for the initial few years, I almost gave up everything. I don’t know when I started believing that I was not enough, for even the smallest things like ordering food in the restaurant when I was asked, I used to say, you decide and I will eat whatever you order. In my heart, I know a vegetarian person married in a non-veg preferring family has no choice other than stuffed parantha because I will not be able to finish a whole meal and everyone will blame me for not choosing wisely. I was fed up with listening to them saying ‘vegetarian ghhas phuus he to khate hain’ (which means vegetarians eat only grass). Either paneer or dal makhani what other option do you have?

This started percolating in my professional life too, soon for any roles that required late hours, research in markets that required extensive travel, or a training program I felt I was not competent enough to apply as I don’t have the skills now to even convince my family to let me go. Forget my family, I couldn’t convince myself that I could do it. Soon I lost everything to this disease called Imposter Syndrome where despite having all the qualities a person gets to believe that he or she can’t deliver the results. I left my job and started living the life others wanted me to live. Does this make things better? No, before they said you can’t manage home and office together, now they were saying you can’t manage your home. So, there I was devastated by what I had become. Now clearly, something is wrong that needs to be fixed. I thought I would try and then Covid-19 hit me.

I saw death in front of my eyes. Thoughts like I am doomed, I haven’t lived my life so far, started going through my mind. I was always trying to adjust to my new home. I counted, it has been 15 years since I was married and I am still trying to adjust and nothing seems to be working till now and I am still saying to myself that I am trying to adjust in my new home. God saved me and I recovered.

As rightly said by someone you can’t expect a fish to fly and a bird to swim. So now I trust this saying that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I am what I am and I will live as I want to live. Now, after recovering from COVID, I have restarted my journey back from where I left off before I was forced to adjust to the new norms given to me by society and the social upbringing that we girls have.

I am leaving behind this syndrome and moving ahead with my head held high, listening to my inner voice which I got back. If I can do it, I am sure everyone can do it.

 I started to gather myself up and started applying the same principles that worked for me before.

Get up and try till you succeed. Just do one thing surely today, then repeat it the next day, next week and, next month, next year till you get the desired result. In the process of learning don’t forget to enjoy the journey because it’s not the end but the path that gives you happiness and confidence. You never know, as we are at this stage where the Covid cases are increasing by the day, we may or may not have the next day and you are still thinking I was about to start my life now but I don’t have the time. I am no more in this world. Act now, try, and leave your fears behind, this is the right time to follow your heart. Help each other even if we have to check 100 numbers to find one contact who can provide oxygen to a friend. Just saving one life is important to that family who is begging to save their bread earner or comforting someone who lost a near one on-call. Leave behind one’s ego. Coaching and counseling or helping anyone with references to find a job. Every small effort counts in building your confidence back and overcoming this deadly imposter syndrome.

 There is no tomorrow, what you have in your hands is now, just make it better with each breath you take and keep moving with full faith in your abilities. If God has permitted you to live then you have to make your life worth it. Grateful to all those people who helped me experience this syndrome because now I realize the value of my competence even more and I am confident to move ahead at God’s Speed.  Yes, I am moving in a positive direction and so many helping hands are also there in this world. I no longer compare myself to others. Life is not a competition, it is an unknown terrain to be explored, enjoyed, and lived as you want, so girls live your life and dance to your music.

All those lovely ladies, just trust in yourself a little more each day and work on building your competence, there is nothing that needs to be compared to you as you are unique, You are competent enough and your life is worth it.! Love Yourself!

I am grateful for the wonderful life that I have.