By Dionne Dettmer

Dating woes

Dating can be draining. Trying on men like ill-fitting clothes in a thrift shop is a daunting task. Wouldn’t we be better off working on ourselves, hoping Cupid sneaks up on us when we least expect it?

Even if we have a vision of the One, the reason we are not crossing paths with them may be that we are not yet an energetic match for the high-quality connections we seek. 

How do we become a match for what we seek? The answer lies in unleashing the power of the unconscious mind. 

Unconscious romantic potential

Each of us has a romantic potential—a bodily intelligence propelling us toward the highest version of our loving, sexy selves. For many of us, this potential is obstructed by social programming and judgment. Housed in the unconscious, the mysterious cries of our romantic potential go unheard, muted and censored by the overbearing conscious mind.

Only when we link up with our unconscious sensuality by trusting the body can we coax this highly intuitive and stunningly alive part of our being out of exile. Through action, non-judgment, and self-knowledge we build a bridge within the body for our romantic potential to blossom. 

Mastery through action and experience 

Contacting your romantic potential can happen in an instant through visions, fantasies, moments of ecstasy, or by falling in love. These heightened states delight our being. But the mastery required to sustain such radiance in our daily life is only possible through action and experience. 

Experience places us in the moment which is where our sensual self lives. The more we prioritize taking action and showing up for things that elicit our sensuality and creativity, the more we entrust ourselves to the body’s natural intelligence. 

Identify a vision that lights you up and take action towards this vision. For example:

  • Describe your romantic vision on your dating profile 
  • Express yourself boldly
  • Strike up conversations with attractive acquaintances 
  • Engage in social activities doing what you love
  • Say yes to your desires and adventure 
  • Wear clothes that make you feel playful, expressive, sexy
  • Fantasize about erotic encounters 
  • Let yourself fall in love
  • Communicate your affection directly 
  • Pursue your secret crush

Judgment blocks sensuality

The judgments of the mind often undermine our ability to embrace the experience—smothering out our sensual instructions as they bubble up in the body. We resist action to avoid the risk of rejection, feelings of vulnerability, and shame. The mind says no while the subtle cues in our body say yes. With judgment and sensuality in direct opposition, we become inert.

When we let go of self-criticism and stop running from mistakes, dating can be an experimental playground for our undernourished sensuality to grow and develop. Our willingness to lean into the unknown and confront our emotions empowers us to orient from the cues of the body rather than the rigidity of the mind.

Self-knowledge resolves turmoil

The unconscious is constantly speaking to us through subtle or not-so-subtle cues throughout the body. For example, we might feel a sinking in the gut when someone enters our boundaries or a contraction in the throat when we neglect to communicate our feelings. 

Attuning to the sensations in the body offers us a front-row seat into the inner drama of our psyche—our thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, and values playing out across the flesh. The more observant we are of this inner and often neglected reality, the quicker we can express ourselves directly, release emotional tension, and realign with the sensuality of the moment. 

Social programming trains us to turn away from our inner reality through people-pleasing, emotional caretaking, or other habits we picked up in childhood. Habitual patterns are always at odds with the delicate whispers of the body. To sync up with our potential we must consciously counter these habits and attune to the somatic.

Leveling up in dating

Each of us has an amorous ally within waiting to be unleashed. By making the internal experience of the body our focal point we harmonize our romantic pursuits with the wisdom and power of the unconscious mind. This sacred synergy is what buoys our hidden sensuality out of the depths so we attract unions that ignite the soul.

Dionne Dettmer is an intimacy coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She helps people unlock their sensuality and reach their highest potential in sex and dating.

Influential works

The Art of Becoming Unstuck by Arda Ozdemir

The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson

The Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey

Inner Work: Using Dreams and Active Imagination for Personal Growth by Robert A. Johnson

The Seeker’s Manual by Arda Ozdemir

The Radiance Sutras by Lorin Roche, PhD

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