I never understood the feeling that took birth inside me every time I lost someone in life. It was an ache, I knew that; it was emptiness, I knew that too. But only emptiness couldn’t feel that heavy, could it? It had to be more and it had to have a name. A few years later when I met someone who seemed to care about me, I felt powerful. Powerful, because I knew that I mattered. And with that power, also came weakness. That’s when I finally found a name for what I felt with loss – it was weakness. Weakness, because I had no safety net, no life jacket and no power. I was just a body without strength. I was meek, powerless. And then as time passed, I kept feeling powerful and I kept falling weak until I realised that my power didn’t come from feeling loved, it came from loving, it came from giving, and weakness didn’t come from abandonment either, it came from fear, it came from diffidence. Everything was about me wanting to feel secure, protected, loved and accepted, and not about securing, protecting, loving and accepting my own self. It was always about escaping and hiding and passing responsibility, and never about being my own escape, my own safety and my own responsibility. I learnt it the hard way and it’s true, that power does not come from the people around us and neither does it leave with them, it comes from the force within us and it’s always there. Stronger, when we hardly feel it. Safety nets and life jackets are for those who can’t swim, but darling, you and I have survived a whole damn storm, remember?
- Saakshi Agarwal AKA @anonymousxonly