To Be or Not To Be

There are some days when it is not the same. It isn’t chirpy, sunny, or light. Those days are dark, heavy, sucking the energy out of me, and giving me a body that feels like a heavy burden. They take me to a gaping abyss that is never-ending, or so I feel. Sometimes it comes at the end or as a byproduct of a prolonged hectic period when I go on with the whirlwind of activities. I take everything in my stride, as it comes, and I play all the parts I am supposed to play to the T – at home, at work, and in social surroundings. I give and give without ever paying attention to whether I receive anything in return or not. The wheels of time turn and churn in the meantime. And then slowly, I turn into an ordinary, simple human, crumbling bit by bit, the stitches giving way in some corners. Tatters happen at the helm, and there appears the wear and tear I knew would come but conveniently ignored.

Then everything goes myopic. The world closes in, and I doubt my importance, contributions, and whether I matter at all in the scheme of things. Do I matter to this world, to anyone anywhere? Would it make any difference if I am alive or not? Am I making any difference anywhere? Life goes on whether we are dead or alive, whether we contribute or not, whether we are important to anyone or not. When such thoughts drag me into the depths of that abyss, I let myself fall into that deep, dark, murky, unending hole.

And suddenly, I get a call or a note or an email from someone who has known me and loved me sometime before in my life. Or someone dear comes visiting. It is like a lifeline gets thrown into the meaningless void, a rope I can grab onto. They come out of the blue, not knowing where they will find me, but they always come. We always get back from this world, but not necessarily from the exact place we have been given.

It was a day when I felt invisible, as if no one saw me, that no one in this world cared or cared enough to do anything for me for a change. And as if on cue, the very same day when a buddy and I had gone to watch a movie, he wanted to have ice cream. I joined him without the intention of having any myself. I am not a fan of ice cream, and I had just had a heavy lunch, so I declined his suggestion to have some. He insisted that I have some because it was an awesome flavor. He said he wanted me to try it because it was too good and bought a scoop for me. He wanted to share the joy of that ice cream with me. Someone did something for ME, for a change. A simple act that snapped me back to reality. I do matter. The other day, an associate got me this black diary and a pen because he was so used to seeing me scribble on my notepad and it was almost over the last time he saw it. So, the next time he met me, I got a little black diary out of the blue. People noticed; that I wasn’t invisible. And they care.

Such random acts of kindness pull me out of the spiral and put me back on track when I hit the bottom. And they always come to remind me of my little niche space in this world. Life will go on whether I am dead or alive or how I feel or what I think. But this world has offered me a little throbbing life, space, and tiny moments to make a difference if I choose to knowingly or unknowingly just like how others make a difference in my life too. The world then becomes chirpy, sunny, and light once more. There rushes the energy in me to carry me through long journeys and I am off to do my next item on my list, doing what I do, for myself and people and giving wherever I can. And I know, somewhere, sometimes when I need it the most, it will come back to me from the most unexpected places. We all boil down to human connections, we all boil down to simple, ordinary humans, doing very ordinary things, and yet the very same ordinary things touching lives in ways we are not even aware of …And that is what is extraordinary.

The above lines were written in 2018. Five years later, I think slightly different now.

I have learned to recognize my steps toward the dark places. I consciously choose to walk away if and when I catch myself walking towards them. We have all been taught to doubt ourselves based on what we do or do not do, how we do it, and how much we do. There is nothing to doubt. I now don’t think it’s necessary to be useful, to give, or to change lives. I feel it is perfectly okay to just be, whether you are doing something or not. You are just you. Whether you are this or that, or doing this or that, your value is all the same, as it is for all other beings. The world is what you make it to be, and it is alright if you don’t want to make anything of it either. Happiness is just being.

–Sajitha Rasheed is a relationship workshop facilitator and the Founder and Chief Mentor of Mind Mojo.