The Luxury of Leisure

Chennai is a place I like. It is modern and yet rooted in tradition. There is a good mix of whatever is new and whatever we have received from our forefathers. It lets people soar to places and at the same time, have their roots. Chennai, a place I stayed in, for a very short while and made some wonderful memories.

One thing I found fascinating is that women of all ages go out to chill. It was joyful to see maamis draped in sarees, jasmine in their hair, sitting around a table, with their women friends, having coffee, laughing, and spending some leisurely time. There was no time limit. They had no qualms about coming out to have a cup of coffee in the middle of the night. I am not sure if this trend is there in other parts of Tamil Nadu.
This is something I cannot even imagine seeing in Kerala, except maybe in cities like Cochin, Calicut, or Trivandrum. And even if it exists, it will be in some elite place where the English-speaking upper middle class will be seen. Do everyday, ordinary women go out to chill, just to chit-chat with their girlfriends and have a chai?

We see women hurry home most of the time, after work. If one does not work, do they get time to go out for a cup of tea, just like that? Do they have permission to go out of their home, do nothing, and just be? Would they have their family’s permission, would they have their community’s permission and would they have their permission?

A woman has her permission and society’s permission to take a rest at her home. She has permission to go enjoy in a group if it is a socially sanctioned place like a religious place – temple, church, festivals in these religious places, a social group that does some kind of activity, their children’s schools, shopping for the family, visiting relatives and some more.

Does she have permission to travel on her own, for pleasure or leisure? Does she have permission to sit in a café alone, daydream for some time, and have that pastry? Is she allowed happiness outside of her home? Or is she expected to go out only if work is to be done? She can travel for work or with a specific purpose.

The Trissur pooram is a temple festival. It is an enthralling experience, hardly many women have experienced. Hordes of men attend the festival but very few women make it to the grounds. Of course, fear of safety is on top of the list of reasons for non-attendance. But would women not want to experience this event? Does it not appeal to the senses of women as it does to men? Many have shared their desire to be at the event, but can they, on their own?

Women do attend temple festivals, church fetes, or festivals by the Muslim community. Usually, the whole family goes, which allows the women to go along too. The women are mostly accompanied by the men in their homes or other women from their family or friend circles. One will hardly find a woman alone in such crowds.

The former chief minister of Kerala passed away recently. I checked whether there were women who went to pay their respects to the late leader. It was mostly men. So, a public funeral is also not a place many women can access, even if it was a dear public figure that one badly wanted to say goodbye to. To be out there, simply for the desire to be in a place, is a luxury for most women, even in their minds.

Have you ever noticed any girls in the playgrounds? Boys and men occupy all playgrounds. Instead, girls are asked to stay home and learn home chores, be useful, and work. Girls are taught not to play for leisure, away from their homes. The only escape route would be choosing a sport, playing in socially sanctioned training centers, playing for the District / State / Country, and getting a government job.

A lot of women have found ways to circumvent this phenomenon of not being allowed leisure. Many take the route of religion. They go on pilgrimages as a group of known or unknown people. It’s socially sanctioned so it does not matter whether one is with known faces or not. It is religion and who are we to question one’s love for god? They also visit ailing relatives. It is a chance to be away from the humdrum of a home.

If one does not have any ailing relatives in the immediate travelable distance, then one makes oneself the ailing one and visits the hospital often. Many are members of community groups like clubs, kudumbasree, and NGOs. They are socially sanctioned as it has some kind of activity happening and no one can point a finger at the woman at leisure. She is working, even outside her home, so it is not leisure.

We women believe that we are working and society believes it too and lets us be. But, for a change, do nothing, sit at home, and watch a lot of television or read the newspaper or scroll the phone (as much as a man does) and see the reactions around you.

Go out often for coffee watch movies or go to the beach on your own (as much as a man does). Even women will put you down for taking those breaks because we are all taught to believe that leisure is a luxury for women. It takes a conscious effort to unlearn our set thoughts and then relearn that we have the right to leisure and happiness. May we all be able to do that.

–Sajitha Rasheed is a Relationship workshop facilitator and the Founder and Chief Mentor of Mind Mojo